ot- grandson-"issues"

Ok, I'm at a loss here on what to do. We have been having re-accuring anger issues coming at us from our 14 yr.old grandson for the past 6 months. (I know it has been hard for him dealing with Mom's pregnancy, going to HS., & pubercy.) Travis has had this really anger issue-beligerant & "mouthy".We had a family gathering Fri. night ( all 3 daughters & 7 kids here) & one of them was watching Spiderman 3 on Nick's girlfriends laptop. (He is 7 yrs. old, just diagnosed with ADHD &  was in a recliner watching it.)  Next thing we know, Travis was hanging onto the chair pushing Hunter out of the way to "see the movie". Well, several of us asked him to stop- & I said," Travis, let Hunter alone"- next thing we hear is Travis hollering "screw you!" at me & running out the back door.  Perhaps I overreacted, but, I told the kids that kind of behavior & language wasn't tolerated in my house, & he had to apologize before he was welcome in my home again. This is the 3rd. such outburst, & each one gets worse! He has shoved his brother onto the floor, raised his fists at me & said " you want to fight??" & told me he hates me, so I am firmilar with some of his rages Sat. I was told by my daughters that I overreacted, & made too big of a deal of it- that I was too sensitive.  They all know I am on perdnizone, which does make me- hiper, sensitive, teary,easily offended, & angry. Well, I didn't feel that I hav\ndled it worng- & finally told them that he could come over, but had to watch his mouth . Well, he came walking (strutting) down the street with his buddy, & I said "Hi, theres plenty of food - come in & have dinner ." He looked at me & said " I'm not welcome in your home until I apologize, & I HAVE NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR". I said " ok, well, just so you know, I did welcome you in". He was laughing and kept walking on with his buddy. So came into the house, told my daughters exactually what was said & that I did try, so it was over as far as I am concerned.  He needs to learn you can't just say whatever you want & have no consequences- which is what happens at his house. they allow yelling, threats, & all kinds of attitudes/language we never had here.  I am at a loss what to say, do or feel anymore. I find I just can't stand to be around him, & I do love him. Does anyone have any "sage" advice for me? I hate to see this go into anything farther, but am not going to give up my "core values & beliefs" to placate him/them. Ellen

Ellen, I don't think you over-reacted at all. It is your home, your rules. Period. Travis is old enough to well understand this. So are your daughters. Do not allow them to presuade you to accept this disrespectful behavior. Set Amy down (Travis is her son, right?) and explain to her that you love Travis very much but until he learns to respect you and your home that she is going to have to find somewhere else for him to go during events at grandma's. You might suggest to Dana that he and Travis has a 'man-to-man' talk about how Travis is disrespecting his wife. You might be surprised at how much good that would do. It sure did when Jay was going through his 'Travis years' and Bill informed him that he would NOT be talking to HIS wife in that manner! I know my grandkids are young yet, but I sure went through hell with Jay so I do feel for you hon. Keep your chin up! Sherri

Sherri,  Yes, this is Amy & Tony's  boy. Travis says he gets his "anger' from his Dad- cause he yells instead of- anything else( timeout- no tv- no phone time, no friends over, no going off with friends ,etc.,nothing ) so why shouldn't he? Yikes, what mentality they are getting away with!Dana & I have talked till we are blue in the face & all we get is- "yeah, I know, but".   We told Amy & Tony both that we aren't going to put up with that in our house- they can allow what they want, but not at our house. We hear " well, he's just finding himslef- he has anger issues- it's just kids nowadays- it isn't like when we/you were a kids".  Dana had the "man to man' talk- so he waits till he (Dana) isn't around to pull this stuff.   Thanks for always understanding- I had 3 girls & never had this kind of stuff with them- so it helps to hear others have! (((hugs))) Ellen

I'm having somewhat the same issues with Gage. At my house it's not tolerated. Period. He's reminded of that, reprimanded and punished when he acts out at my house. However, it's like hell when he comes back from his dad's because there he's not corrected or disciplined about his behavior at all. There they are mostly like "Please don't do that. It hurts my feelings." where as at home I'm like "Do that again and I'll whip your a$$. You DO NOT act like that.". I totally understand and remember about being 14 and how hard it was to fit "into the crowd" and not only be accepted by friends but to find your place in your own family. I can only imagine that for kids in Gage's and Travis's age range with mother's still having siblings - it can only be even more an emotional overload. But - society has rules. Rules that everyone kinda has to obey in order to make it in the world. And as much as the rules suck - seem unfair - don't necessarily apply to you in whatever cir****tance you may find yourself in - they however have to be followed at all times. I constantly remind Gage of that. With that said I don't think you were out of line or being over sensitive at all with Travis's behavior. If anything it seems as if you are the only one that is concerned and his parents are to overwhelmed and neglecting raising a proper young man with respect to elders, rules, and society standards in general. Hold your ground Ellen. Don't let them force you to step down and be acceptable of his behavior just because it's "easier" for them. There is at least one place in your family structure that people can count on as being a "House Of Reason" and that would be your house where rules, respect, and morals are an active part of your daily lives. Keep it that way. Eventually his parents will start doing something (hopefully before it goes to far out of control) and hopefully you'll get some type of apology from one of them. Hang in there. Jodi

Ellen, I feel your pain believe me, with the three grandkids living with me its kaos every day, the older one is a girl 13 and she thinks God created this world for her and the rest of us are only hear to make her life easier....  She picks on the younger kids, calls them names and pinche****s, and taunts them constantly. She smarts off to me and my mom and i am so sick of her that i hope when she goes home i dont have to see her for about a month. I have tried every thing,  I have even threatened to knock her on her a$$, we have nearly came to blows many times, im just not putting up with it. I take things from her (cell phone, cd player, mp3 player) all the things she dont deserve because of her behavior.  I have even called their CPS case worker and had her come over and give her a talking to.   So what if shes a teenager, that dont give her the right to treat others this way. Its not acceptable behavior and im not putting up with it in my house. if you dont put your foot down it will only get worse, what happens when he hits you/??? will his parents thin anything is wrong with that??  I would discontinue the family get to gathers till his behavior improves, it makes it hard for you but why put the other kids (his cousins) through the torture of it if you dont have to.  I would invite them at seperate times I hope it works out for you because i do know what its like,  I will be keeping you in my prayers. Hugs, Carla

I have the same problems with my daughter.  She has Tourette Syndrome as well as obsessive compulsive disorder and behavior disorder.  She gets mad at us and will say "screw you,  F*** you. Calls me a b**ch.  It is to the point where we are ready to admit her into inpatient mental treatement, just to get her medicated right.  No punishment I do helps.  She dont care.  Right now she is grounded for the rest of the year.  Everytime she does something wrong she gets more time added, depending on what she has done.  It is just terrible to have to deal with this, I have been dealing with the behavior problems for about 5 years now.  The tourette syndrome since she was 2, it is definetly not easy to deal with. I have cried many a tears. I think he should probably be taken to counseling.  Good luck!

sorry things are going rough----TEENAGERS------geesh----my daughter was acting up few weeks ago as yall know i admitted her for a week and it seemed to help sometimes you need to take action and do things as this to make then relize how life is with out you there--she cried the hole time in there--she respects me now she still has her mouth but i correct that as soon as it starts i threaten i will take her back and i refresh her memory of bad she dis liked it there and she straightens up real fast----i sure hope things get better you can always turn to anger management classes---that might help? good luck & god bless

Respect is respect. Teenagers show their butts alot learning what is acceptable and what isnt. If you don't let him know it isnt acceptable and make him face the consequences of his actions then he wont know boundries. And his disrespect will only continue.. Tell the parents to leave him home.. tell him I love you but I dont like your attitude and I don't have to put up with it.. You have paid your dues, raised your kids and it is your daughters turn to raise hers.. you shouldn't be put in the position to have to discipline him.. he should know the boundries before he comes over. I don't have to correct my grandchildren...(unless I am babysitting) because my son and DIL is right on top of it. Paying attention to what is going on when. And if grandma or papaw just look disapointed in their actions they know they have done something wrong.. A teen ager KNOWS what is right and wrong...and if they dont then shame on their parents! Linda Kay

Thanks everyone for the support. I did hold firm and he does know that I/we won't tolerate his disrespcet. He wasn't invited over for our last days get-together, and won't be till he can behave. I stopped by their house yesturday to drop off their bowls, etc. and as I can thru the door he shouted " you aren't welcome here- get out" well, Tony imediately told him to shut up & Amy told him to knock it off!! Shock- shock!!  I walked into the dining room & there he sat with his buddy. I just ignored him & talked to everyone else. As I left he came thru the door & I still didn't talk to him, just his brother, and left. I have  to stand my ground & not give in- for all our sakes. So till he can, he won't be here for anything we put on or do. To me, respect is vital, & our rules will remain firm. Thanks again for listneing & supporting me, you all are the best. (((hugs))) Ellen